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Author: Wheeler

NFL Draft 2016: LA edition

Its the Christmas morning of professional football, its know as The Draft. Every fan has been asking for a certain player for their team since the closing whistle of the Super Bowl. Today is the day we as fans find out if our team made the naughty or nice list. Like a good boy I prepared accordingly.

This year however, is different for me. Its my first year in LA and the first year back in LA for the Rams. Most exciting indeed and for the most part it has been. I will always get excited for NFL football regardless of my location. However, I did’t feel the same excitement or passion from fellow LA residents.  That’s sad. Weeks leading up to the draft I attempted to locate a Rams friendly bar with zero results. The calls to local bars often went unanswered and when someone did answer, they usually replied with judgmental giggles and hung up. Definitely not what I expected from a city that just received a NFL franchise.

Rather than get mad at LA, I decided to do The Draft at my house around people that don’t even know what football is. It was nice for the most part not having to deal with the guy that knows nothing about football save for what Mel Kiper says on ESPN. I also enjoyed my homemade bar food buffet. I was also able to talk trash through texting and Facebook which was nice. All that said I still missed the buzz of watching it in person with my STL friends. So for the 2017 draft, I will be watching it in STL with my friends that appreciate NFL football. Even if most of them have jumped the Rams ship.

Be like Rick Monday

April 25th 2016 marked the 40th anniversary of Rick Monday saving the American flag from being burned by a drunk man trying to bring attention to his wife being placed in a mental institution. He did it selflessly and in quick fashion. For that alone he is a hero. Consider this- for any athlete, when a fan or fans run onto the field, it becomes an immediate security risk. Athletes have no idea what the nut jobs are gonna do. They could be harmless drunk kids looking for tv time or crazy dudes like Robert De Niro in The Fan.

Be nice Bob

Instead of running away from the piece of shit would be flag burners Rick Monday runs right at them at snatches the lighter fluid soaked flag away just before they could set it on fire. Truly a “Great Play”.

Be like Rick Monday internet. If you see someone attempting to burn Ole’ Glory, snatch it and run. Too many people have died defending the freedoms it stands for. The cowardly people that attempt to burn the flag are only doing so with the freedoms defended by those dead men and women. Be like “Great Play” Rick Monday everyday.

The brilliance of Bomani Jones’ “Caucasians” t-shirt

Bomani Jones, who co-hosts ESPN’s “Highly Questionable,” has a knack for inciting debates on social media with his opinions, both spoken and tweeted. But his choice of a controversial T-shirt dominated the conversation Thursday.

Washington Post

By now most of the world has been made aware of the controversial “Caucasians” t-shirt wore by ESPN’s Bomani Jones. Let me tell you that it is nothing short of brilliant and completely shows the hypocrisy of those that want to change sports team names as well as mascots.

When I first heard about it I laughed not knowing what the design of the shirt was. Then after I saw the shirt I laughed harder and bought one online. My fashion sense aside, the shirt is funny. It portrays all white people as blondes with money in the classic Cleveland Indians logo style. What’s not to love about a man smiling ear to ear with a dollar sign hair dress?

It’s fair to say that I find the shirt funny. But some people are offended by it and in this overly sensitive world we live in today why shouldn’t they be? With everyone finding something to get their panties in a bunch about today, it’s only fair that Caucasians be allowed to be offended as well and to say otherwise is well, racist.

Let’s look at it by comparing what is okay in the world of team names and what isn’t.

Not Okay

1.     Cleveland Indians

2.    Atlanta Braves

3.    Florida State Seminoles

Okay

1.     Notre Dame Fighting Irish

2.    Michigan State Spartans

3.    New York Yankees

Do you see the difference? Do you see how it’s okay to have a sports team named after mostly Caucasians and not okay to name a team after non-whites? It seems like a dangerous precedent is being set that favors racism towards Caucasians of all backgrounds and nationalities.

I want to be clear about what I am saying, I don’t give a shit either way. I am sick and tired of everyone turning into politically correct sissies with sand in their vaginas that whine about everything. Why do you care if some sports team wants to be named after your people? You should be flattered not offended. Stop falling victim to lazy journalism that fills the 24-hour news cycle and people trying to get their 15 minutes of fame. Be smarter than that; grow up, break the 24-hour news cycle mentality, and be grateful you live in the USA!

(For the record I think Bomani Jones is a great sports reporter)

Me time: Interrupted

There was once a time when a man was entitled to a bit of privacy when, well, he wanted to pleasure himself. After a long day of work, some alone time isn’t unreasonable and shouldn’t have to stated and submitted for approval. It appears as if the times have changed and young people don’t respect masturbation time anymore. It’s like personal space doesn’t exist for this newer generation.

I give you my prime example:

Wyatt not picking up on the subtle hints to leave the room.
Wyatt not picking up on the subtle hints to leave the room.

He is so caught up in his selfishness that it is foreign to him that he may be intruding upon another’s private space. The cherry on top of all of this, no not the porn star, is that he is snapchatting my frustration with him rather than being a decent human being and leaving. Young people are so odd.

Ghostbusters 2016: Sad face emoji

I’m going to tell you why I didn’t like the new Ghostbusters trailer and you’ll probably get angry with me. So, if you have any sand in your vagina or otherwise wish you had a vagina to have sand in, read at your own risk.  For the rest of you that can handle a differing opinion lets watch the trailer and begin this train of displeasure.

Why was it necessary to have an all-female cast? Pushing some kind of agenda perhaps? Maybe trying to say that women can be just as strong, funny, and manly as, well, men? Obviously, duh. There is no other reason to cast the movie that way. Worse than that, they cast ugly middle aged women and placed them in unflattering manly jumpsuits. What would have been wrong with a casting call at the party colleges of America? Ghostbusters parading around blasting ghosts in bikinis would have made me blind to everything else I didn’t like. God forbid a male movie goer become aroused at an attractive, busty, young woman.

Now onto the levels of CGI shown so far. I understand given the subject matter, a good portion of the film requires it. However, this just seems excessive. In one of the many obvious green screen shots, McCarthy is punching a ghost with what looks like special brass knuckles. Its absurd. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. A better story and writing would have made this scene unnecessary. The only movie trailer I’ve seen this year with more CGI was the eyesore Gods of Egypt. When will these Hollywood executives understand that better writing beats piles of CGI any day?

I didn’t laugh at any of the jokes presented so far, save for one; when the hearse is presented and the crew is disappointed, but Jones is excited because it’s a Cadillac. I found that funny because a friend of mine used to drive a hearse. Other than that, my laughter came from how badly these women want to be men and the hokey CGI. I just don’t find a classic film remade into a politically charged, agenda pushing reboot funny.

People are always saying that Hollywood has to do shitty remakes because they are tapped on fresh ideas. With shit like this coming out it is hard to argue against that. But, I do disagree. There are plenty of fresh and hilarious ideas out there. I don’t think Hollywood wants to invest in unknown film makers and comedians. Its perceived as too risky. I would suggest that it is too risky to continue doing shitty remakes. Hollywood just needs to remove itself from politics and refocus on what it used to do best, create great films.

The Future is now: The Bubba-Craft

The Bubba-craft is the greatest thing to happen to golf carts! The golf course is now yours to fully traverse! No more “cart path only” while its raining or when there is a drought, get to every ball with ease and style, drive right over a water hazard, and most importantly, no more spilled beer from unexpected bumps. My only improvement for the suggestion box would be to have a mini fridge on board. Coolers and ice are so last year and nobody likes a wet sandwich or slippery beer. Still, count me in on the pre-sale!

Can you imagine what would happen if the Jackass guys had access to the Bubba-craft? I can’t wait to see the sick stunts and gnarly wrecks once the Bubba-crafts make it to the public.

 

 

 

 

My days as a bartender are numbered…..

How cool would it be to have a bartender that makes your drinks perfectly the first time? Wouldn’t it be cool to not be judged by the bartender for the Bay Breeze you just ordered? It’s pretty obvious the answer is a solid YES! Robo-tender would never get tired, argue with the stupid wait staff, drink shots all night, or stare at her cell phone while guests sit with empty cocktail glasses. Also you’d never have to tip, imagine the extra drinks you could buy with that saved tip money. This would be the most perfect and efficient bartender ever.

 

I give you Bionic Bar. With two automated bartender robots, it is one of a kind.

 

 

While Bionic Bar is fascinating, I think at best its a behind the scenes tool. With no personal engagement or bad jokes on tap, I give it a hard pass. Personally, if I walked into a sports bar and saw a robo-tender instead of a sexy young bartender that is struggling to keep her sweater meat from getting free, I wouldn’t give that place a second look. Even if I went to a hipster bar, we are talking a big if here, I would rather have some douche with way to much mustache wax make my cocktail while talking down to me about the rarity of the Syrian salt used on the rim, than some Autobot wanna be bartender. I say leave the robots to do bullshit jobs like mop floors or fulfill Amazon orders.