Spiders Are The Devil

This is the best “losing a fight to a spider by killing it” story i’ve ever read:

When I was a teenager I saw a spider crawling up the wall. A big ass wolf spider with a fat butt. I instantly went into kill mode. See when I see spiders I go into fight for flight and I always chose fight. I hope this is not the same when I see a bear or something in the wild otherwise I would not survive too long.

But I went straight kill mode on this thing and picked up the nearest object (happened to be a pencil). This bad boy was at about eye level on the wall and a pretty big target if you’ve ever seen a wolf spider. Still my hand eye coordination was dead on and in one swift motion I stabbed that spider right in the ass.

It’s ass promptly exploded, launching its spider-entrails at staggering speed – right onto my fuckin’ lip. In my amped up adrenaline fueled rage kill state I thought the spider had lept on my lip. I immediately close fist punched myself square in the lip, barely missing losing an eye to the pencil I still had a death grip on. Staggered by this mighty blow, lip now lacerated by teeth. I realized it was the spiders entrails not the actual bitey part of the spider that had landed on me. Disgusted and still in a primal state I preceded to let out all of my air making a sound I’ve never heard a human being make before or since. It was absolute revulsion.

I gagged once, licked my mangled lip, tasted the blood. Inadvertently licked some of the spider gut and proceeded to projectile vomit Velveeta shells and cheese/mountain dew all over my wall. Mixed with the blood it created some sort of mural I can only describe as looking somewhat like the flag of Columbia. I staggered out into the living room, stifling the vomiting and blood through my hands clenched tightly over my mouth I ran to the sink and began vomiting and choking into it, mostly dry heaving by now. My dad stood in shock speechless. Finally he asked, while I was rinsing out my mouth and gargling, near tears from the pieces of Velveeta shells and cheese lodged in my nasal passage – he asked “What the fuck happened?”. I managed to gasp “Spider”. It came out almost in sob. He then said “ok.” and went back to sitting on the couch watching his TV.

Spiders are the devil.

About Wheeler

I am a multi car train wreck of half assed dreams. Sure I like the idea of success, but getting there is like super hard and stuff. I probably drink too much and I am a horrible drunk dialer. My mother still does my laundry and comes over to my house to cook me food. When I play video games on XBOX Live I tend to use awful language with young children. My football addiction has been compared to that of a heroin user. I don’t like using condoms. My apartment is super cold by choice. I love to take super hot and excessively long showers. I don’t recycle; in fact I go out of my way to litter. I hate shaving and combing my hair. I wear basketball shorts and hoodies almost all the time. I don’t like Christmas or any other holiday that doesn’t permit excessive drinking. I didn’t vote for Barak Obama. I have been arrested 12 times in 9 different municipalities, all for unpaid traffic tickets. I have been in a knife fight and lost. Golf is something I do poorly. I spell like a blind kid. I stole G.I. Joes from a blind kid when I lived in Baltimore. I am bad with money. You wouldn’t confuse me with Jerry Seinfeld because I am not Jewish or funny. I burn every bridge I can for the sake of making things harder for me when I need something from that person. Anyone that knows me for any period of time finds me disagreeable. The only things I do well are complain and consume.
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3 Responses to Spiders Are The Devil

  1. glenda wheeler says:

    I am laughing so hard i had to bolt to the ladies room so as not to embarrass myself in front of myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have always hoped, (but never really thought it could be true), that there were other ridonkulously psychotic arachniphobes out there besides myself………….YES! YES!…………I’m not alone anymore! Aaaahh, the therapuetic effect……….yesssssssssssssssssssss.

  2. glenda wheeler says:

    Now everyone knows, spiders ARE the devil!!!

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