This is the best “losing a fight to a spider by killing it” story i’ve ever read:
When I was a teenager I saw a spider crawling up the wall. A big ass wolf spider with a fat butt. I instantly went into kill mode. See when I see spiders I go into fight for flight and I always chose fight. I hope this is not the same when I see a bear or something in the wild otherwise I would not survive too long.
But I went straight kill mode on this thing and picked up the nearest object (happened to be a pencil). This bad boy was at about eye level on the wall and a pretty big target if you’ve ever seen a wolf spider. Still my hand eye coordination was dead on and in one swift motion I stabbed that spider right in the ass.
It’s ass promptly exploded, launching its spider-entrails at staggering speed – right onto my fuckin’ lip. In my amped up adrenaline fueled rage kill state I thought the spider had lept on my lip. I immediately close fist punched myself square in the lip, barely missing losing an eye to the pencil I still had a death grip on. Staggered by this mighty blow, lip now lacerated by teeth. I realized it was the spiders entrails not the actual bitey part of the spider that had landed on me. Disgusted and still in a primal state I preceded to let out all of my air making a sound I’ve never heard a human being make before or since. It was absolute revulsion.
I gagged once, licked my mangled lip, tasted the blood. Inadvertently licked some of the spider gut and proceeded to projectile vomit Velveeta shells and cheese/mountain dew all over my wall. Mixed with the blood it created some sort of mural I can only describe as looking somewhat like the flag of Columbia. I staggered out into the living room, stifling the vomiting and blood through my hands clenched tightly over my mouth I ran to the sink and began vomiting and choking into it, mostly dry heaving by now. My dad stood in shock speechless. Finally he asked, while I was rinsing out my mouth and gargling, near tears from the pieces of Velveeta shells and cheese lodged in my nasal passage – he asked “What the fuck happened?”. I managed to gasp “Spider”. It came out almost in sob. He then said “ok.” and went back to sitting on the couch watching his TV.
Spiders are the devil.