Dammitwheeler.com

Ohh man have I got something that will make you think that I am even more retarded. I just have one question first- have you ever been so drunk that you’ve been thrown out of that place? I don’t mean rude drunk, just drunk.

Well I have been kicked out of the Ameristar Casino twice in one week for that reason. The first time it happened I was kinda embarrassed because they had security walk me out with the girl I was and every one was staring at us. The reason everyone was watching me was because the chick I was with looked like a prostitute. She isn’t, but good bless her soul she sure can dress like one. She was really the main reason we got kicked out the first time. Mostly because she couldn’t stand still and fell into and knocked over an entire row of slot machine chairs. Her skirt flew up, she was laughing uncontrollably, and she wanted more to drink. All of these things lead to security to escort us off of the casino floor. It was very good times.

Now the second time I was kicked out of Ameristar was a little more my fault. It was Wednesday night at Hotshots (that’s where I work) and they were having a Texas Hold’em tourney at ten o’clock. Long story short I dominated and won a twenty-five dollar bar tab. looking back on it now, I probably should’ve gone home after the win. But you know me and my compulsive behavior; I just could resist getting tanked for free. I bought Goldshlooger shots, Brass Ball shots, macho mugs of beer, Bacardi 151 shots, etc…. Dude, it was freakin mayhem. I was hitting on a piece off wood one of my friends later told me, it was nuts. So one o’clock rolls around and since all Saint Charles county bars must close, someone suggested that we go to the casino. Yeaaaaaaa said everyone around the bar. Which at that time were Tyler, Kelly, Adrienne, Bill, and some mystery man. I must have run through some kind of time rip some where because I totally to this day have no idea how I ended up at the casino. But we do know that my car was there also.

Once on the casino floor I was unstoppable! I was calling chicks from across the room and motioning them to me. When they came over I would tell them that they were ugly. It was a bet that me and Tyler had going. There was one chick that was genuinely interested in me; I talked to her for ten minutes before I explained to her why I thought she was to high maintenance based on what she was wearing. I have found that doing that is way more fun then trying to pick up chicks. The casino stops selling alcohol after three am, so that was our cue to leave. That didn’t work out so well. Security force marched use to the exit because they said “you guys are going break something”. Okay that may or may not have been true, but what came next blew my mind. Both Tyler and I checked our pockets and pooled together fifteen dollars for a cab. Well that just flat out wasn’t enough for the cabbie who wouldn’t give us a price break either, so we were forced to drive ourselves home. As we begin to walk back to my car we hear the sounds of a security radio, I look back and the same guy that forced marched us was now trying to tell me that he was gonna call the police if we drove off. Damn!

After a lack of good negotiation skills were put to use, we decided to walk home. This is about a two- three mile journey at three in the morning. This seemed to be our best option, so he headed off into the darkness. Every car that passed us along the way either flipped us off, honked their horn, or just plain ignored us. Tyler thought it would be a good idea to start mooning cars that passed because he was upset that we had to walk. Since no one cared that he was showing everyone his ass, Tyler ran full speed and tackled a news paper stand, knocking it and another stand to the ground in a display that could only be described as awesome. Me being the slightly less drunk of the two of took off running due to the large quantity of noise that was projected into the neighborhood. In my scramble to find a hiding spot I found an extra large yellow road sign that some dunk driver had ran over. Immediately I abandon the hiding idea and start walking home with the road sign on my head. At this point I didn’t know where Tyler was so I headed home without him. There was about one mile left for my tired feet to tango with; I wasn’t looking forward to this anymore then when my grandmother comes to town. At this point I had crossed the highway, ran from a possible legal battle, and found a nifty road sign. So just find a hole some where and holding on until the morning was starting to sound really good right about now. When all of a sudden Tyler comes running up from behind me and pushes me down this really big hill. I tumble he rolled. We ended up at the bottom of this hill as a pile of drunken grass stained idiots. When we untangled ourselves we found to my amazement that we had made it home. Finally, something good in an evening of hell.

All that is left to be said is- Next time Ameristar, next time.